Separated from your love? How to cope
By Jon Wilde
You’ve just met a great partner and everything had been going according to plan when a dark cloud messed up your sunny-skies romance. Yes, you’ve found out that your significant other will be spending a significant amount of time away: Military deployment, a job assignment, a religious mission, a semester abroad, or any other wrench in the love machine.
But with a little work, you’ll not only weather the storm, your relationship may emerge stronger than ever. “Distance slows the relationship down, so you’re able to build a better-quality emotional bond,” explains Dr. Jim A. Talley, a Christian pastor and relationship counselor. When life throws you a curveball, and you and your sweetie are forced to spend time apart, you can keep connected. Here are some tips — from experts as well as those who’ve survived separations — on keeping the magic alive across the miles.
1. Do sweat the small stuff
When communicating with your far-away favorite, you may shy away from filling the precious time with mundane details of your life, but think again. “You should keep in touch about all the little trivial things that happen during the day,” says Caroline Tiger, author of The Long Distance Relationship Guide. Talk, write or email about the weather, the great song you heard on the radio, or how your boss continues to find new and innovative ways to annoy you. Your partner won’t feel like he or she is missing out on anything in your life—and you’ll find it that much easier to pick up where you left off when it’s time to reunite.
2. Use the buddy system
Gene-Thomas Gomulka, author of The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military and retired U.S. Navy chaplain, tells the spouses and loved ones of deployed soldiers to join a support group. “It’s similar to participating in a race,” he explains. “If you’re running with somebody, that other person can encourage you to keep running.” It’s not just true for those dating a military man (or woman): Find a friend who’s also coping with the dreaded long-distance relationship. Team up for regular talk sessions, and you’ll be set to lean on one another when the going gets rough.
3. Communicate consistently
Staying in touch is the key to any successful long-distance relationship, and all of our experts agree that the best way to keep the lines of communication open is to establish a routine early on. Take turns calling each other every other day, IM-ing at ten o’clock every Friday night, dropping a love-note postcard in the mail every Wednesday, or sending smoke signals at dawn—whatever works best for the both of you. That way, you’re always looking forward to the next correspondence and your partner continues being a built-in part of your life.
4. Keep your memories handy
If you’re hankering for your displaced darling and circumstances keep you from making a pick-me-up phone call, get a quick fix by curling up with mementos that hold special meaning for your relationship. “Have a place where you keep them all together and where you can be reminded of that person on a regular basis,” suggests Dr. Paula Mickens-English of Cleveland State University, director of Northcoast Afrocentric Counseling Services in Cleveland Heights, Ohio. Tape a picture to the edge of your computer monitor, wear one of his t-shirts while puttering around the house, or listen to her favorite CD in the car.
5. Look ahead
Why not use your time constructively? Talley explains that couples split up by a Christian mission often work on goal sheets—questionnaires that help them solidify what they’re looking for from the relationship and learn what the other person’s expecting, too. “Not only does it help you to organize your own life, it also helps you to better understand each other,” he explains. Which means that when you are back together, you’ll have a much greater insight about where your relationship is going. You can find worksheets at drtalley.com, design your own, or tear a compatibility test out of your nearest self-help book.
6. Shoot for the surprise
The surprise visit is the Holy Grail of long-distance romance, but it takes some careful planning and a bit of luck—and sometimes just isn’t possible (i.e., for those whose honeys are deployed by the military). But if it is a possibility, consider “meeting at a halfway point for a weekend instead of going to one or the other’s place,” suggests Tiger. “It feels like you’re on vacation.” Another option: Get creative, and send a surrogate! “One time I made reservations at my girlfriend’s favorite restaurant and sent her best friend cash to treat her to dinner,” remembers Miles Stiverson, a New Yorker whose girlfriend Melanie is in school in Oregon. “It wasn’t a special occasion, just something spontaneous—a way to show her I was thinking of her and wanted her to be enjoying herself, even if I couldn’t be there with her at that moment.”
Jon Wilde is an editor at Maxim.
